We got married in 2005 with plans of starting our family within a year or two. Well, here we are, 8 years later, and it’s still just the two of us. As the years go by, you really start to think about your life and the things you have that you are proud of, such as good marriage and a good career. Then you start to feel the pressure of things that you don’t have in your life. Well…Jay and I have two out of three big ones, and boy do I feel the pressure for that 3rd! A child. In my 20‘s I went through a series of tests where I was told that having kids wasn‘t going to be easy for Jay and I, but luckily Jay was still a big kid himself - so it really didn‘t seem to bother him…at all :)
We had agreed that we would enjoy life without children for a full year after getting married, and then start trying to have our first child. Around the 2 year mark, we started trying…and nothing. After a year of trying naturally, it was time for the fertility doctor. I started out with a Clomid treatment that lasted a year before we decided to take a break from stressing out about it. Maybe it just wasn’t our time. We felt that God may have other plans for us. We kept busy concentrating on our careers and even traveled to Guatemala 3 years in a row doing missions work where we fell in love with a young Mayan girl named Jennie. We sponsored Jennie for all 3 years, paying for her schooling and spoiling her with gifts until she grew out of the school system.
It was an ongoing joke that I was the fertility clinic drop out. After several tests to find out that I have a unicornuate uterus and a ovary that seemed to take off on its own, we knew it would make things difficult. To add to that, I have a severe case of endometriosis to which I had surgery for, as well as thyroid issues. Jay has a low sperm count from his years of suppliments while bodybuilding, but we just had never thought it would be this difficult. We have been happily married for 8 years now and we have made the most of our time together without children, knowing that even though we wanted a child, it was out of our hands and these were days we would never get back. We watched as all of our friends got pregnant and had children of their own, each time making us realize that we weren’t getting any younger. In early 2013, with the photography business taking off, we decided it was time to try again.
Trying again meant mentally preparing myself for the massive amounts of hormones I was going to have to start taking. The Clomid treatment didn’t seem to work, so the fertility doctor moved us onto doing IUI (Intrauterine insemination). Some of it was covered by Jay’s insurance, but it was going to cost a good amount out of pocket. Luckily for us, the photography business was doing well enough to pay for most of the hormones that I needed to purchase.
Up to two needles a day, for over 6 months, along with blood work every other day can take its toll. Cranking hormones into your body, along with doctor visits and vials of blood being extracted multiple times a week just add to the frustration, let alone the inevitable roller coaster of emotions you feel. I could break down and cry out of no where and not even know why, or get steaming mad at…absolutely nothing. This is something that just happens naturally for most, but for me, this made me feel like I had a disease. Like I was less than a woman. Would it ever be my turn? Every time I broke skin and pushed the cold metal of those needles into my belly or thigh, it was a brutal and painful reminder of what I was unable to do on my own.
Filling the cup with his little men was always an adventure and he was never happy about it, but just like everything else along this journey, we tried to make light of the situation. Jay never complained, and even though he always would tell me that he didn’t care if it took another 5 years or adopting, I knew that it hurt him seeing me struggle with it. Since losing his Mom a couple years ago, it’s been difficult for him to picture having children anymore. It was something his Mom had always wanted for us, and now that she isn’t here, I know he is scared of the emotions that will come along with having the grandchild she had always wanted so badly.
At the end of each monthly round of IUI, I would wake Jay up bright and early before he had to go to work, to fill a cup with his little men. Holding the cup close to my body, wrapped in a towel, I would drive to the fertility doctor and get the insemination procedure done. A painful procedure on its own, I would lay back and pray that this pain would all be worth it and this time the procedure would work. For the next couple weeks Jay and I would pray and try to keep our minds distracted while my body, along with all the added hormones, would cooperate and allow a successful fertilization. Each month my period coming late, giving me hope. Each month my dreams being crushed. All that work, all the money spent, all the hope, all the praying…for nothing. Literally…nothing. Each month looking down and seeing the negative reading on the pregnancy test. Staying positive getting to be harder and harder with each passing month, with each passing procedure. Why? Why am I going through this. Why are WE going through this? Are we not meant to have a child of our own? Are we not meant to have a family?
What are these photos about?
The fertility doctor decided it was time to move on to the IVF process, which is the in vetro fertilization, where everything gets a lot more expensive and even more intense than what we had already been through. This was the next step and after talking it over with the doctor, we agreed that we would start it following our final IUI. Our 6th and final shot at the IUI procedure was done and the doctor had told us that it would most likely not work since my hormone levels weren’t really where they should have been and Jay’s sperm count had been lower than normal, so we didn’t have high expectations. We actually had wrote it off and just began to prep ourselves mentally and financially for the IVF procedure. While sitting at work I received a call from the doctor’s office asking me if I realized that I was late…and I hadn’t. Being late was nothing new, but just like every other month, I went and took a pregnancy test. This time…I seen something I had never seen in my life before. Something I had never expected to see now.
I immediately broke down and cried, then called Jay to tell him the news. The next day, and 3 more times that week, I got blood work done and all my numbers were perfect :) :)
This was something we prayed about for 8 long years, and our prayers were finally answered. It was finally my turn, my time to experience something I had dreamed of since a child. Both Jay and I know that God has a plan for us all, whether we like it or not, and whether it goes along with our plans or not…he has a plan. It was a tough 6 years of trying, struggling, heartache, and disappointment. But, there were a lot of positive things that happened in our lives in the time span that could have never happened had we had a child back when we first wanted to. If everything would have went the way we wanted it to, we would have a 7 year old and most likely no photography business. We had always said that our deadline was the age of 35, and I turn 35 this July. I can’t believe I can finally say that I’m pregnant and I can’t wait to welcome our first child into our lives. The funny thing is, we found out that it wasn’t the IUI procedure that got me pregnant, it actually happened naturally 2 weeks prior to the actual insemination. One of our favorite type of photo shoots to do, surprisingly enough, are maternity shoots. For the first time in 2 years of photographing other baby bumps, it was my belly this time we were photographing.
The point of writing this blog and documenting my journey was to discuss and be vocal about something personal that is so heartbreaking but typically kept quiet. Some people may not understand why we would share this but the more and more we do newborn photo shoots, the more I realize that its actually pretty common, just not really talked about. We started documenting all of this back when we first started the IUI process with the hopes of one day sharing it. Today is that day. It feels good to write about it & share it because there are a lot of us out there. Even some people that are my best friends & relatives and I thank god for having them in my life everyday. They helped me through some of the roughest times of my life. I am extremely lucky to have family, friends and a husband that encourages me, supports me and even helps me with those god awful needles! Luckily for us, we were able to avoid the IVF process, so I do understand that this road could have been even longer.
So here it is, my first ultrasound, and we were lucky enough to see the heart beat. Such a surreal moment, and one I will remember for the rest of my life. It’s going to be a difficult pregnancy and I am considered high risk, so there will be a lot or prayers still, but the doctor says everything looks great. Please keep us in your prayers, and if you are going through the fertility process and need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me scassario@gmail.com.
We went to our favorite vacation spot in Maine when I was over 7 months pregnant and took a handful of maternity photos while there. Two years later, we went back and took one of the photos again, in the same exact spot. Only this time, I was holding Luke in the air.
You can click HERE to see more maternity photos from Maine!
No one knows how your life's story will go, or what tomorrow will bring. Every once in a while, life will surprise you. Just as we were about to give up on our 6 year journey of disappointment and heartache, our story took a turn and a new character was added. This little man is our everything, and all of the struggles we went through made this possible. All the times I wanted to give up. All the times I wanted to quit.
We have tried to naturally to give Luke a sibling, but it looks like he will be an only child. While that was never the plan, we do believe that it is God's plan now and... we've come to accept that. We remember the struggles it took to get him, like it was yesterday, and know that there are many out there that would love to have just one child of their own. We had come close to accepting that we would never have a child of or own, so we're extremely thankful that we were able to after 6 years. We promised to never let the struggles of having a second child get us down, and we haven't. We are focused on giving Luke the best life that we can, the rest is out of our hands.
© 2026 Jay Cassario
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